Working in a family business is not always easy. When father, mother, sons and daughters have to pull together in the company, friction arises from time to time. If there is a dispute, this can have a negative impact on the business. In the worst-case scenario, the family's blessing may be permanently unbalanced. Occasional tensions - isn't that completely normal? Is constant harmony even realistic? Peace, joy and pancakes? Animal petting zoo and cuddles?
Disputes happen everywhere
It is important for everyone involved to know how to deal with a dispute. There are a few things that family businesses in particular should bear in mind to ensure that personal disputes don't become an endurance test for the company. The most important rule: keep employees out of the dispute. You should always follow this simple and clear rule. If disputes are settled in front of the employees, this leads to conflicts of loyalty among the employees on the one hand, and on the other hand the behaviour of the boss also serves as a model. In short: how the manager behaves is how the employees behave.
How can the culture of conflict be improved?
Basically, the parties have to deal with each other on two levels: Family and work. It is therefore extremely important to realise which level of conflict you are currently on. After all, the behaviour in the family is not automatically the right one for the company. There are clear differences between speaking to your son as a father or as a boss. A 100% separation is of course not possible. In addition, topics are often taken to the dinner table at home and discussed there.
So much closeness and familiarity naturally also creates directness. Differing opinions are expressed more bluntly between family members than is the case between colleagues, sometimes with the result that one side feels offended, ignored or offended. It is not always possible to objectify this and it is difficult to look at a matter from several angles, to separate the matter from the message.
Resolving conflicts instead of avoiding them
For the disputants, it's about winning a discussion and asserting themselves. Everyone fights for their opinion to be recognised. The other person's arguments are judged negatively - they are criticised, which ends in conflict. Older issues are then brought up again and again. Everyone seeks support for their own position from other family members or employees. This can lead to hurt feelings that have a very long expiry date. However, if a conflict is dragged out or suppressed, it will arise again later with new issues, often with the same ‘perpetrator’ and ‘victim’ roles. Everyone actually endeavours to reach an agreement and, especially in the family, people want to avoid conflict. But only on the condition that the other person gives in! This condition blocks the objective, the relationships remain disturbed and the conflict is not resolved.
Avoid personal injury
It depends on how the conversation is conducted. There is a clear difference between the ‘I’ message and the ‘you’ message. The ‘you’ message comes across as personal, reproachful and destructive in a conflict discussion: ‘You've got it wrong ..., your arguments aren't right ..., you mustn't ..., you must realise that ..., you lack the experience ...’ The I-message, on the other hand, is free of reproach, does not provoke contradiction and is more likely to be accepted: ‘I have realised ..., I notice ..., I am convinced that ...’ Expectations can also be formulated constructively in the I-message: ‘I wish for ..., I expect you to ..., I urgently ask you ...’
If an opinion is rejected, the person concerned feels devalued and will defend themselves. Negative judgements intensify a conflict. It has proven to be a good idea to first scrutinise another opinion and not to immediately trumpet your own. In mediation, everyone has the right to their own opinion, but no right to expect others to share it.
Unresolved conflicts give rise to new disputes
Anger that is embedded in conflict has a very lasting effect. To avoid being completely at the mercy of anger, you need to recognise it early on and react to it immediately. If emotions are running at full speed, it is almost impossible to have a factual discussion - the topic should be postponed. People who are angry develop a lot of energy, which unfortunately is not utilised productively. It would be much better to use this energy to find a solution rather than to apportion blame.
At the very latest when a dispute is taking up time, energy and perhaps even money, you should deal with how to resolve it. After all, unresolved conflicts always lead to new disputes. Early prevention and regular self-control are extremely important in order to prevent such developments and disputes from arising in the family business in the first place.
Involve a mediator
If a dispute does arise, the people involved should first seek an objective discussion among themselves. If this does not help, an external mediator can be called in. However, the mediator must be trained in conflict resolution. If this does not lead to a reconciliation because the fronts are so hardened, mediation is the only option.
But how can a mediator help? When it comes to personal relationships, sensitivities and communication problems, the use of a mediator is helpful. They lay down the rules of the game and ensure that they are adhered to. Legal issues are not his task, nor are questions about financing. Instead, the mediator is responsible for dealing constructively with differences of opinion and mediates in disputes between the opposing parties. As a neutral third party, he promotes creative solutions that are accepted by all parties in full or as a compromise and partial solution.
Create a win-win situation! According to the rules of mediation, no one is allowed to lose face in a heated discussion. Every member of the family must get their way; the aim is to achieve a win-win situation. The counsellor is trained as a mediator and at best has extensive experience of disputes in the family business. Unfortunately, mediation is often rejected by the conflicting parties in advance. Its use fails not only because of the costs, but also because the parties involved do not agree to the mediator acting as an intermediary. There is still a lack of information among farmers about the effect of mediation procedures.
